The Best Weight You'll Ever Lose Is The Weight Of Other People's Opinions
We have all experienced it, that condescending stare, that questioning look, the polite smile, that pitiful pat on the back. At one point or another in our life we have all felt judged by someone or some group of people. But what sort of impact does this really have on our lives? Should it even be a factor in our everyday living?
I know I have experienced many years where my life and my decisions have been affected greatly by what others thought about me my actions or my beliefs. But why do we allow those not living our lives to impact it so greatly? Is it a desire to be liked (loved)? Does it make us feel more a part of the community? Is it fear? Let us dive deeper into this phenomenon and uncover why we are affected by the opinions of others, and what we can do to counteract the effects.
From very early in our lives, we are taught, either consciously or subconsciously, to place value on the opinions of others. It starts simply with the basic teachings of our parents. They teach us what they believe to be right from wrong, good and bad, which is intended to help us navigate the world around us.
As such, we begin to act in accordance with the positive reinforcement which is doled to us. We are praised for doing our chores, so we continue to do them because we relish in how it feels to be appreciated. Our parents are proud of us when we eat all our vegetables, so we devour them with gusto to continue to win their praises. While nothing is inherently wrong with any of these things individually, they do lay the foundation for our desire to people please.
As we grow older, the sphere of influence extends from our immediate family to our extended family, friends, acquaintances and at times even strangers. Here is where the people pleasing takes on a life of its own. We make friends based on actual or sometimes even perceived similarities in behaviours or belief systems. We speak a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way to gain favour with our peers.
Then one day, during a routine conversation with friends, we allow parts of ourselves to be known that was previously unknown to others. It could be something you enjoy doing, something you like to eat, or simply your favourite television program.
This is when we are met with judgement, the stares of confusion that shout “how could you even like that”, the comments of how “inappropriate” the things we like is.
Flushed with the embarrassment of your faux pas, you seek to quickly rectify the situation, you do not like how it feels to not conform, to be judged. Others question your morals, your ethics even your sanity. Then, after multiple experiences like this, you start to internalize and question yourself, “is there really something wrong with me for liking XYZ?”.
Unfortunately, the more we have experiences like this, the more the self-doubt and concern grows and festers, like a cancer. Until one day, you have internalized these feelings and have adjusted your behaviour so much, that you become a shell of your former self. You laugh, but it’s not a deep, hearty laugh from the soul. You look at yourself in the mirror and do not recognize the person looking back at you. On the surface of things, you have a great life, but somehow you still feel great dissatisfaction within yourself and you question why.
The shrinking of yourself into this acceptable box has happened so gradually that you failed to realize it was in progress until one day you just feel…..disconnected.
All of a sudden you feel yourself floating like a log in the ocean being moved by the current. You are doing things (or not doing things) because it’s what others expect you to do and you do not want to disappoint or be singled out. Even when you are considering making new decisions in your life. You eventually find yourself asking constantly asking yourself “what would others say if I did this?”.
So now you have gotten to the point where every big and sometimes even small decision in your life, you seek the approval of others because otherwise, how will you know you are making the ‘right’ decision? And in needing the approval of others you continue to diminish your confidence in your ability and trust in yourself to make decisions.
But the thing is, you make the decision that is approved by others and you still feel unhappy about your choice. You have that lingering voice in the back of your head saying, ‘the other decision was better’, and deep down, you know it was.
That deep-down nagging feeling in your gut, that is your truth trying to tell you that you already know what the right decision for yourself is. The truth is you do not need the input of others to validate what you want to do.
If you want to try a new business venture, then do it!
If you want to learn a new skill or language, there is nothing stopping you.
If you want to migrate to Japan, then start googling affordable flights!
Additionally….
If you don’t want to marry that guy, does not matter if everyone thinks he is a 10.
If you don’t want to go to that party, then stay at home and watch your favourite series.
If you don’t want to join the group trip this year because you have other priorities, then take care of you first!
If after reflecting on past decisions, you come to the realization that a large part of your life have been affected by the ideas and ideals of other, then that realization and subsequent acknowledgement is the first step to removing that shroud of guilt over the things you want. It then positions you to make the next steps towards being a happier individual.
The good thing is that from this point on it is your choice what you do with the information. Are you going to let the fear of being ridiculed or spoken ill of grip you into continuing to conform to
a version of you that is inauthentic? Or are you going to start taking back control of your life and making the decisions that are the best for you?